Changes on the Horizon
The “Pre-College Summer of Anticipation” Defined: This is the summer after graduating from high school as a senior, and the summer before starting college as a freshman. It’s that time of transition where your child is now officially a young adult, and both of you are waiting for college to begin. With that change comes a great deal of emotion, such as anxiety, fear of the unknown, wanting to go and wanting to stay home. During this summer, all of these feelings and thoughts collide… hard.
Parents are counting down the days they have left with their college-bound child with a bittersweet feeling of excitement and sadness that the time is here. For parents, it’s a time of reflection and guilt and regret – regret that we haven’t done enough, we haven’t taught enough, we haven’t spent enough time, and we took first 18 years of life for granted. Never has the phrase: “The days are long, but the years are fast” resonated so strongly.
For the rising college freshman, this is a time of wanting to start college but also wanting to stay in their familiar home and surroundings. This is a time of many questions, worrying and anticipating, fear and excitement and not knowing what’s to come. A few questions and thoughts that your child may be processing include:
- What will dorm life be like?
- Who will wake me up in the morning for my classes?
- When do I do my laundry or change my sheets?
- What if I don’t do well in my classes?
- Will I make friends?
- Will people like me?
If your impending freshman is playing a sport in college, they may worry about being able to balance training, practice, games, and academics. When you think about it, your child may not have had to meet new people and form friendships since middle school, and their friendships have been growing for years. Now, they need to start all over again, and if your young adult doesn’t necessarily like small talk, meeting new people may feel like an enormous task. For the young adults who have a significant other, many are on the verge of a breakup or embracing the idea of a long-distance relationship.
It’s the perfect storm. Rising parent anxiety, as well as rising young adult anxiety. Fear of the unknown. Once the high from graduating and all the graduation parties settles, then what? How can parents manage these uncomfortable feelings and help their child transition to the next chapter of their life?
Talk About the Changes
My personal philosophy is to address the elephant in the room, always. If your child isn’t voicing his or her anxiety, but you can see it and feel it, encourage conversation with your child. Ask questions like:
- How are you feeling about becoming a college freshman?
- What do you think it’ll be like?
- What are your major worries about college?
- How do you want to spend your time before moving in to college?
Give your child space and time to vent all and any thoughts and feelings. Don’t try to minimize or lessen the worry by stating our very common, “You’re going to be fine. Don’t worry about that. That won’t happen.” These are normal phrases that we say as moms in an effort to “take away” our children’s fears or angst. Instead, say something like:
- I’m so glad you’re sharing your thoughts with me.
- How do you think you would handle XX if XX happened?
- I hear you and I understand.
- I’m here to listen and brainstorm with you.
Plan Ahead
Each day your child is still home with you is going to feel important. Plan little field trips, a family vacation, a 1:1 vacation, or lunch once a week with your child so you have time to connect. Keep it fun and light, and let your child direct the conversation.
Ask him or her to define their pre-college “bucket list.” Identify what’s possible and what’s not. Sit with your family calendar and get day trips, lunches, that play, dinners, and excursions on your calendar. Next step: enjoy the stuffing out of each other and go with the flow!
Plan the list of items that your child will need for college and slowly pick up a few items every week. Set a day of the week and plan it around a lunch, dinner or ice-cream to make it fun and light.
Interpret the High Emotions
Your child will likely direct his or her anxiety at you by showing a lower frustration tolerance or being agitated at times for not-so-obvious reasons. Expect this time to be a period of high emotions that will collide and clash. Take a deep breath and interpret your child’s behavior as a reflection of their anticipation and anxiety about the next chapter of his life.
Don’t take it personally. Stay calm, validate, and ask questions or problem solve together. Understand that this is not truly targeted at you even though your child may say, “It’s your fault.” Keeping the mindset that your child is as scared as he was when he was entering into kindergarten, middle school and high school will likely lengthen your fuse and give you perspective on how to handle a conversation or conflict. This is a time of hugs, snuggles and spending time together, perhaps without a lot of words in order to build an emotional connection that your child can carry into college with them.
As the summer passes and your rising college freshman is getting ready for one of the biggest transitions in their life, embrace your own emotions and your child’s emotions, and remember that your parenting journey is changing, too. You’ve done a great job!
