Children of different ages will have different needs during your divorce and separation. It’s important to understand your child’s developmental level, as that will inform how you emotionally and physically support your child during this time.
Let’s take a look at the different developmental stages:
Ages infant to 3 years of age
Support Needed: Provide Stability Through Consistent Care
Little ones are still working on identifying their emotions and managing them. They rely on us, their parents and other caregivers to help them manage big and small emotions, and seek comfort from us. With that said, divorce is a confusing concept, and little else is really understood other than little children are now in “mom’s care” or “dad’s care,” but not both any longer. Furthermore, during each person’s care, there may or may not be other people around (e.g., grandparents and new people such as a girlfriend or boyfriend), and all of this is happening in a new, unfamiliar environment. Young children can struggle with separation anxiety and express this distress through crying, clinginess, and regression in their eating, sleeping, and toileting patterns.
In order to support children between the ages of infancy through 3 years of age, ensure the following across both homes:
- Provide consistent caretakers with a consistent routine. This will help create a sense of predictability and safety
- Offer reassurance and comfort and maintain a consistent presence with your child
- Meltdowns may be a sign of frustration and fear; avoid punishing and provide comfort instead.
Ages 3 to 5 years
Support Needed: Reassurance and Emotional Expression
By this point of a child’s development, they are beginning to understand their emotions but still struggle to manage them. Children during this age frame may engage in temper tantrums or bedwetting as a stress response to the separation and divorce. They also don’t fully understand what divorce means but they feel the tension between their parents as well as the changes in their day-to-day routine.
In order to support children between the ages of 3 and 5 years, ensure the following across both homes:
- Make sure your child knows they are loved and safe, and provide constant verbal reassurance.
- Keep a consistent schedule, especially around bedtime and other key activities.
- Allow your child to express their emotions through play, art, or storytelling to help them process their feelings.
Ages 6-12 years
Support Needed: Fostering Open Communication
Children in this age group are more aware of what’s happening around them and may struggle with having an equal relationship with both parents as they feel that they are “taking sides” or “turning against” each parent. They might feel torn between parents, which results in the experience of anxiety or sadness. At the same time, they may internalize emotions, leading to behaviors such as withdrawal or acting out.
In order to support children between the ages of 6 and 12 years, ensure the following across both homes:
- Let your child talk about their feelings and validate their emotions without judgment.
- Be an active participant in their lives and attend events such as school meetings or extracurricular activities.
- Help your child manage their emotions by listening, validating, and problem-solving together. Don’t scold or tell a child in this age range that their feelings are “wrong” or they “shouldn’t” feel this way.
- Encourage healthy coping mechanisms, such as journaling or talking to a trusted adult.
Ages 13-18 years
Support Needed: Supporting Independence While Maintaining Connection
Adolescents have a more complex understanding of relationships and may experience deep feelings of resentment, anger, or rebellion as they try to grow through their changing family structure. At the same time, they may experience identity struggles as they try to understand and manage their emotions and their past and future relationships.
In order to support children between the ages of 13 and 18 years, ensure the following across both homes:
- Teenagers need space to establish their independence, but they still require emotional support.
- Talk to your teen and encourage your teen to talk to trusted adults or a therapist or journal their feelings.
- Be available and supportive. Even though teenagers seem to be “fighting” for more independence, they still need consistent emotional support and guidance from their parents.
In summary, younger children need stability, reassurance, and consistency, while older children and teenagers benefit from open communication, emotional validation, and space for independent expression. Regardless of age, it’s important for co-parents to work together to create a predictable and supportive environment that fosters emotional well-being during and after the divorce.
