Congratulations to Runner-Up Tracy D. from Texas.
It was 1973. I was a rinkrat and Donna would go roller skating every once in a while. I could skate backwards faster than most could skate forwards. She had a cute wiggle as she propelled herself with one foot. She was always with her best friend, but finally during one couples skate I saw her by herself. I later learned that her friend made Donna agree that if someone asked her to skate, Donna wouldn’t leave her friend alone. Turns out, Donna’s friend was asked first and didn’t think twice about leaving Donna alone… which worked out well for me. The first time we held hands John Denver was singing, ‘Sunshine On My Shoulder’. A beautiful first memory.
Fast forward to 1981 and we are married. Fast forward again and we’ve raised two sons, who have themselves married and we have grandsons.
Through those years we were inseparable. Everything we did required both of us. I did clown magic shows, she did my makeup. I grew hair, she cut it. Together we created wedding videos. I would carry the heavy camera and she would design the title pages and menus. I would get confused editing the video and she would read the instructions.
Everything she did was to connect with people and encourage them. She involved her family and friends with every one of her interests. She cut hair, made jewelry, painted ceramics, designed brochures, made slide shows, cross stitched, had a professional quality singing voice, researched real estate and helped people buy houses. She planned parties and invited people that had been forgotten.
Fast forward to the summer of 2016 and we have our first really unpleasant argument. We went to sleep without resolving it. You have to understand; up until then she knew what I was going to say after a few sentences barely left my mouth. I could be driving and cock my head, and she had to know what I was thinking. We never before had finished a day angry. I later figured out that she couldn’t keep track of our conversation.
She was managing apartments and in the fall of 2016 she could see that she was struggling with math and numbers. We got the official diagnosis in the spring of 2017; early onset Frontotemporal Dementia. I took over her management position so that I could be across the parking lot from her during the day. By August she couldn’t stay away from the office, or I would come home and she would be crying in the fetal position. My last day at work was September 30, 2017.
Spoiler alert, she cared more about me than she did herself. It’s because of her that I believe if you are decent and kind throughout your life, it makes it more likely that you are kind to your husband even when you lose touch with the world. Through all of the declines, plateaus, dips, turns and surprises, I have fallen in love all over again with each of her new incarnations.
I’m not bragging when I say I haven’t used in home nurses or respite opportunities. (I am bragging when I say I haven’t snapped at her except maybe three times in eight years.) I simply can’t think of any place I would rather be. She still teaches me. I wish I could tell people that they don’t need to be afraid of those with brain damage. All they want is your attention. They’re not self conscious. I’ve learned how to relate to many people with cognitive issues. I just want to tell everybody that there’s nothing to it. It is a skill to be learned. With practice you can know how to relate without being patronizing or talking down to those with dementia. There is little more satisfying than knowing that they are having fun with you.
You ask what motivates me? It’s all her.
