As parents, many of us are ready to listen for and read the body cues of our children to anticipate their needs. Part of this is perfectly normal. We grew these little people inside our bodies and have agreed to raise them until they are fully-grown creatures who are able to make their own decisions and live independently. Parenthood is much bigger than just that. Once we become parents, it’s not like all our childhood wounds become healed and we are able to relate to our children free from our life experiences – including conflicts that we may have deeply repressed and are yet to be resolved. Raising children has a tendency to pull these repressed conflicts to the surface, and parenting requires a whole lot more than making sure that we prepare enough meals and provide clean clothes.
As a single mom of 3 children, ages 17, 14, and 10, I am deep into the teen years and the budding teen years. I find myself taking many deep breaths and listening a great deal. My children need a high level of my emotional support each and every day. I am at a point where my kids can, in theory, do a lot of the things that need to get done like bathing and feeding themselves, and they can wash their own laundry. I say in theory because they CAN engage in these daily chores but what they need from me right now is far more than the physical labor that once exhausted my back and body when they were younger. I find that I’m emotionally challenged more than I ever have been and I am trying to understand why. I have a few theories. Here goes.
We are People Pleasers
Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I’m no longer the people pleaser that I always have been. As parents, we want our children to be happy, but at what cost? Does that mean that you agree to privileges with which you are instinctively uncomfortable? Does that mean you say ‘yes’ because you want to avoid a meltdown? Does that mean that you compensate for the other parent’s lack of emotional involvement or downright absence?
The obvious answer is no but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t say ‘yes’ to make my kids happy or avoid a meltdown on more than one occasion. Parenting is one of the least people-pleasing activities as we have to say ‘no’ to things that are dangerous, not age-appropriate, or that are not aligned with our values. We have to sit with our children being upset with us for denying them a privilege because we have the long term insight to know that it won’t go well or that it may create physical harm. Even when we share our rationale, which many people-pleasing parents will, our children want the short term, instant gratification rather than understanding that there are real, potential negative consequences that can and will likely take place.
Sit With the Discomfort
When making a decision as a people-pleasing parent, it’s very normal to find yourself acknowledging two sides of a see-saw. On one side, you want your child to be happy with you. On the other side is your gut feeling that what your child is asking to do or where you child is asking to go is not a good idea. It’s okay to say ‘no.’ Ackowledge your discomfort and hesitation. Try to sit with that discomfort that you feel in knowing that your child is upset or angry with you. You may feel like a “bad” parent in the moment and that’s also okay. Give yourself the space and time to experience your feelings and allow them to pass.
We May Not Have Had Parent Role Models
Many of us may have grown up in homes where we did not have two parents, or we had one parent who did it all and was resentful. We may have had parents that were not emotionally available to us. We may have had parents who did not resolve conflict peacefully. We may have not had parents who modeled a balance between parenting and maintaining the marriage relationship.
So, what does that mean? It means that you are now creating your own parenting experience by laying one brick down at a time. You may not have a clear idea of what parenting with a partner looks and feels like. You may not know how to divide the responsibilities and are mimicking the parent you grew up with who took it all on.
Be Aware
It’s integral for you to be aware of past dysfunctional patterns without repeating them out of familiarity. It is very typical for us to defer back to what we know about parenting even though it may not have been healthy or functional. This is when it’s time to seek other parents around you who can offer their experiences or the ways they wish they had parented with a little side of wisdom. Or, you can work with a therapist to help you create the model of a parent that you want to be. The key thing being that you are aware and intentionally making decisions to fit with your parenting goals.
Going Too Much With the Flow
When you are a people pleaser, you tend to let others dictate the direction of your plans, goals or intentions. You don’t want to “rock the boat” or be the “nay sayer.” This leaves a great deal of space for your children to dictate how you parent rather than you dictating how you’re going to parent.
Identify Your Parenting Values
I encourage you to sit with an old-school pad of paper and pen, and identify your goals. What is your ‘parenting bucket list?’ What do you want your children to learn during the first 18 years of their life? Once you have a clear idea of what is important to you as a parent, communicate with your partner so that you are aligned. This will also guide your decisions when your child or children are asking for a particular privilege.
Keep that list of goals nearby and when you need to make a decision and feel that your people-pleasing need is arising, take a pause and ask yourself:
- Is this decision in line with my parenting goals and values?
- What is my gut reaction to this?
Once you’ve had a minute or so to think about what is being asked of you, you may be better able to formulate an answer without the pressure of a teen standing over you and looking for a quick response. If you need a minute, take a minute or two. Or even three.
Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs I’ve ever had. It’s not a simple list of tasks that we can check off before our children turn 18. Instead, it’s a dynamic process where you are working with your child’s temperament, your temperament as well as the emotional baggage you carried into this gig. Be aware and take a moment to align yourself with what’s important to you as a parent.
