Let’s be clear – parenting is not a one-size-fits-all journey or job. There is no manual and there are no clear-cut or universal guidelines that help us navigate the many different developmental phases of each of our children and the unique temperaments and personalities that they bring into the world with them. As parents, we assess and understand each of our children’s needs and adapt our parenting to that one unique child. What this means is that parenting may not appear or feel “equal” to our children.
All Children are Created Differently
Even though our children may come from the same gene pool, our children can be different from each other. While one child may be able to handle criticism and manage social dynamics with greater ease, one child may perceive social cues as rejection and exclusion. With that said, each child will benefit from a different parenting approach. If one child benefits from strictly laid guidelines and expectations with clearly delineated consequences, the other may become highly self-derogatory and self-sabotaging if the same approach is used.
What is my Child’s Temperament?
Like snowflakes, it seems that no two children are the same! Each child comes into the world with their quirks, preferences, and tolerances. These inborn preferences impact our children’s perceptions, interactions, and reactions. According to a longitudinal study completed in 1959 by Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess, three temperamental styles were identified through the research study:
- Easy: This temperament style is characterized by a more laid-back approach and response to the world. A child with an easy temperament is generally more adaptable and cheerful and follows consistent routines.
- Slow-to-Warm-Up: Children with a slow-to-warm-up temperament need time to adjust to new situations by watching and sitting back for a period of time (e.g., at a birthday party). This is not the child who is going to jump into a social gathering or an activity, but will rather need to watch the interactions for a bit of time before joining.
- Difficult: This temperament is characterized by intensity, sensitivity, a low frustration tolerance, and a greater tendency for emotional dysregulation or strong emotional reactions. With this type of temperament, parenting them requires a higher level of consistency, empathy, and creative problem-solving to address their strong-willed nature.
So How Should I Parent my Child based on Temperament?
Once you have a sense of the temperamental style of each of your children, there are certain approaches to parenting that will create more effective interactions and teaching moments.
For the easy-going child, you may wish to:
- Provide clear expectations for your child within your home, at school, etc
- Maintain consistency in your communication and standards
- Offer challenges and raise the bar for your child to help build motivation and realistic personally set standards for achievement (in any domain).
For the slow-to-warm-up child, you may wish to:
- Have the mental framework that your child will need time to adjust to a new environment, routine, or expectations
- Allow your child time and space to move and function at his/her own pace
- Create a secure and predictable environment to build confidence gradually
- Practice patience, gentle encouragement, and expect that change will require a gradual approach.
For the difficult child, you may wish to:
- Set firm and loving boundaries
- Listen actively
- Validate your child’s emotional experiences
- Guide gently toward functional and positive behaviors
- Be consistent, flexible, and empathic
The Role of Your Parenting Mindset
Be aware of your parenting style and explore the roots of your approach, expectations, and standards. Many of us have internalized the parenting style and philosophy of our parents, even though there are parts that weren’t functional or preferred. Know and understand how you interpret your child’s tone, behaviors, actions, compliance, or non-compliance. Listen to your volume and your tone and take note of how it impacts each of your children.
Communication Is Key
No matter what your child’s temperament may be, or what your parenting style may be, encouraging back-and-forth conversation with your child about his or her daily life and areas of struggle is key.
- Listen to your child’s worries or struggles – Put down your phone and sit with your child, make eye contact, have your body face your child, and listen. Nod to let your child know you’re listening and in tune.
- Validate your child’s experience – It will help him/her feel heard and seen and will be more willing to speak with you when this is the outcome. “I’m sorry you had to go through that today. It sounds like it was really hard for you.”
- You don’t need to fix it all the time – If you’re not sure, ask your child – “Do you want me to listen while you vent or do you want to problem-solve together?”
- Ask questions without judgment:
- “What do you think you want to do with/about that?”
- “Is there someone you can reach out to who can help you work towards XXX?”
- “What can I do to help you or support you?”
Parenting IS NOT a one-size-fits-all gig. It’s about understanding your child’s temperament, your parenting style, and adjusting and adapting to each one of your child’s needs. Each child’s perceptions, perspectives, judgments, and interactions with the world can be different. What works for one child may not work for your other child. Listen, validate, adapt, stay calm, and parent away!
References;
- Thomas, A., & Chess, S. (1989) Temperament and personality: in G.A. Kosalam, J. E. Bates, & M. I. Rothbart (eds.). Temperament in childhood (p. 249-261). John Wiley & Sons.
