Intimacy and intercourse are a part of the human experience. It can be an extremely beautiful experience shared between partners, but it can also feel extremely vulnerable. Add a body altering surgery, and the change in body image to the mix, and thinking about intimacy with an ostomy can almost feel uncomfortable. That is a completely normal feeling, but with a little preparation, pep talk, and open communication, intimacy can still be a wonderful, fulfilling practice between partners.
Communication with a Potential Partner
Initial communication about your ostomy with a potential intimate partner should happen before the clothes come off. I would suggest going on a few dates before talking about the ostomy so the person can get to know you on a deeper level first. There’s no rush to tell a potential partner, but if you feel that you would rather tell them sooner than later, go ahead! Whatever feels most comfortable and natural for you is what should be done.
When you feel it’s the right time to tell the potential love interest about your ostomy, approach the topic with confidence. If you seem confident and happy to have an ostomy, odds are your partner will be happy you have an ostomy, too. No matter who I’m telling about my ostomy, I always try to put a positive spin on it. I’m never trying to evoke sympathy, but trying to help someone understand my way of life. Talk about why you have it, how you got it and what having an ostomy means for your body.
When I told my significant other about my ostomy, I started by talking about my experience with being dangerously sick with Ulcerative Colitis, being on all sorts of harsh medications, not being able to live the life I wanted to and eventually needing surgery to save my life. I then told him my colon was taken out in 2011 and I was left with a little bit of my small intestine sticking outside of my abdomen and that a bag surrounded it. He then (very tactfully I may add) asked, “So you poop in the bag?” I answered with a straightforward, “Yes.” He looked at me, kissed me on the forehead and said, “Doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m glad you’re still here, and I’m here to stay.” Since that day he has been one of my biggest supporters, my ER companion, my light on a dark day and my advocate.
He took it upon himself to learn about Inflammatory Bowel Disease and ostomies. We don’t let it become a huge part of our relationship, but it is one of the many parts. When I’m feeling well, our relationship has many moving parts and my ostomy doesn’t come up fairly often (we got all of that talk out of the way at the beginning of our relationship). When I’m not feeling well we make sure our communication is open and honest. When my stoma makes a funny noise, we laugh. When I don’t feel well enough to go out, I tell him to go out and have fun, but that I’m not feeling up for it (although these nights usually turn into movie and cuddle nights). When my abdomen is too sore for intercourse we talk about it. When I need emotional support, I ask for it.
Not all cases have gone as well as my current situation. I try not to take offense to someone losing interest after I share with them that I have an ostomy. I simply think of my ostomy as a way to weed out the people who wouldn’t have worked anyway. The nature of having a chronic illness (or just being in any relationship) is that you need someone to support you and cheer you on when you’re not feeling well. Finding that person may take time, but you are so worthy and deserving of love and support.
Communication with your Current Significant Other
If you were already with a significant other before having surgery, he or she probably knows how sick you have been and will be thankful for life-changing surgery and for your health. Still, make sure to have open, honest conversation about your ostomy, how you and your partner feel about it, what things will be the same and what will be different after your ostomy surgery. Try to understand that your partner is adjusting too.
You can ask open-ended questions like, “How do you feel about my ostomy?” or, “How has my ostomy changed our relationship?”.
I talked to a woman who asked her husband how he felt about her ostomy, expecting a negative reaction. To her surprise he said “I love it, because it allows you to live your life more fully and we can actually go out and do things without having to worry where the bathroom is.”
Tips for Intimacy with an Ostomy
After you’ve phrased your explanation positively to your partner, intimacy may progress at the normal speed. When it is time for an intimate moment, there are some tips that can make you feel as sexy as ever.
- Empty your pouch prior to intimate moments
- This will make it more comfortable for both partners.
- Use deodorizing drops or spray
- Even though there generally isn’t an odor that comes from a closed pouch, if using deodorizing drops makes you feel more comfortable, I would suggest it! Any way you can make yourself feel as comfortable as possible will allow you to forget worrying about your ostomy and enjoy the experience.
- Use an opaque pouch or a pouch cover
- This just allows you to hide the contents of the pouch.
- Ask your doctor if you can take Imodium, Beano, GasX or comparable products about 20-30 minutes before intercourse (if anticipated)
- This tip is mainly for ileostomates. Imodium may slow output and allow you some time to have an empty pouch.
- Try out some of the available products that are made to conceal your ostomy during intimate moments
- These products conceal and secure your ostomy, making you feel confident and unencumbered. These products include:
- Wraps
- Bandeaus
- Lingerie and underwear
- You can find these products online at:
- Awestomy
- OstomySecrets
- Vanilla Blush, etc.
- www.betweenyouandme.com.au
- These products conceal and secure your ostomy, making you feel confident and unencumbered. These products include:
Intimacy can usually be just as enjoyable (if not more enjoyable because you are healthy) with an ostomy as before. Usually intercourse will be pain free, but if you do experience continuous pain during intercourse talk to your doctor. You may also find that your relationship will become much closer and stronger because you have to talk about health and support each other.
The right person will love and support you for who you are, not what you have. You can help by loving yourself and loving your body for what it is – a beautiful, resilient body that has struggled and fought to keep you alive.
Wishing you the best of luck! -Laura Cox
For more information, see related articles and ostomy resources here:
What is one thing you wish someone had told you about having an ostomy before you got an ostomy or when you were new to having an ostomy?
